Issue
Announcing the Winner of the Inaugural LRB Trophy...
Welcome to lucky Issue #13.
It seems fitting to save the announcement of a winner of the coveted LRB trophy 'til this auspicious 13th issue of LRB News!
Having kept you in suspense far longer than ever imagined - far too long - LRB News! has finally agreed on a winner of the inaugural trophy for L'enfer du Nord - The Hell of the North - Launceston Roobaix.
In defence of the LRB News! team, trying to decide who will receive the coveted title of 'King of LRB' has been a complex and tricky journey of consultation and discussion. It will also be something of a wrench to actually have to part with such a wonderful memento that is the LRB trophy - a piece that has adorned the work bench at the LRB News! service course for many months.
But after much deliberation, LRB News ! is proud to name a winner, and below - in no specific order - is a full review of how the points played out.
Gav H - Man Motorcycle, Rouleur Deluxe.
1. Bike Selection / Budget Adherence
Superbe celeste/blue home-applied paint job to a correct steel frame - a hint of the original colour could be seen peeking through edges as though the frame had been rubbed and polished over many years, looking like a well cared for pair of shoes - all for $35( ! ) and matched to some familiar-looking parts bin components. The Martini Racing stickers were a budget-busting master stroke, together with a somewhat ( and possibly prophetic ) unusual 1x10 drivetrain and wheel choice of flashing deep alloy rims mated to studded 'cross tyres.
872 pts
2. Riding Outfit and Match to Bike Selection
The Martini Racing theme really came through in matching bibs and jersey. There was something about the tonal match between kit and beard and frame colour, with that flash of red that just looked right. We've just noticed your red gloves in the image above too, fantastic Gav, you never disappoint.
1003 pts
3. The Ride
Always ready to go off the front, Gav it was clear that you were there to ride hard - even in the neutral zone. Happy to slip away in the headwind sector to Heritage Forest, a good gap was forming until closed down by the pack. No fear in the gravel, no fear of going the wrong way off-course, no fear of leading out the final sprint. And what a finish ! It was so close on the line that LRB News! would feel churlish deducting points for maybe taking the sprint too seriously (?)
993 pts
4. Travel
Hailing from the Southern 'berg of Hobart, Gav made the Caddy available for the day, ferrying himself and others to the start line to earn big points. Thank you.
1132 pts
Darren B - The Sleeper, Canny, and on the ball.
Darren flew in from interstate, borrowed a lovely bike with some local history, and was always amongst the bunch laughing and talking to someone different at every turn. Remarkably making the start line on time in spite of the Brooks Factor curse, Darren also managed to take more photographs than the race organisers, and coped admirably on an unknown course without reference to a GPS trace ( or even a proper map ! - Ed ).
1. Bike Selection / Budget Adherence
As noted, Darren 'borrowed' a bike from his brother's shed for the morning - a lovely white, green and red number that somehow managed to perfectly match the organisers chosen kit. This was the canny move of an experienced professional that did not go unnoticed or unrewarded. The bike proved flawless on the day, in spite of minimal fettling, and concerns over tyre section - the very mild 23mm a gutsy choice for the conditions.
989 pts
2. Riding Outfit and Match to Bike Selection
Understated wool - always a sound pick for this sort of event. Though not quite hitting the red/white/green of the bike livery, black is always cool. The Nitto insignia rounded out a non-euro counterpoint to Gav's chosen theme. Nicely played.
795 pts
3. The Ride
With extra points awarded for actually riding to the start line, Darren's sociability both during and after the ride was note-worthy. However, never one to be rushed, there were times when Darren underlined his self-sufficiency as he enjoyed taking the time to consider his own thoughts and smell the roses in the quieter back-blocks, before integrating easily back into the group.
885 pts
4. Travel
Darren scored very well in this section as the furthest travelled. LRB News! was well impressed with the commitment to fly in for the weekend, just for a 2 hour bike ride and hang with mates...Bravo.
1331 pts
Simon P - Lord Perraton, PHD-lawyer-tradie ? ( take your pick ).
A fluoro standout in the bunch, quietly spoken and mild mannered, Simon managed to hurl a complete left-fielder - his weekday professional occupation swapped out with kit that made him look exactly like a tradie who had lost his driver's license...
1. Bike Selection / Budget Adherence
The F.O.R.D entry ( Found on Rubbish Dump ) empitomised the LRB ethos. $30 down, bit of a polish-up, air in the ( original ) perished tyres, and a swathing of fresh and slightly off-tone bar tape, then off to the start line. Simon was so unflustered by the whole idea of preparation that he didn't even bother to put the seat up the 9cm required to match his normal riding position; preferring an old-school low centre of gravity, and ability to 'automatically' change gears with his knee caps.
1035 pts
2. Riding Outfit and Match to Bike Selection
As noted, the last minute and inspired selection of a fluoro tradies Tech T ( and notably matching socks - Ed ) set Simon apart in the bunch - perfectly complimenting the 'out of necessity' ambience of his bike choice. It looked as though he had somehow manged to get caught up in a group ride while commuting to work, and bleerily couldn't quite find his way out again...
1083 pts
3. The Ride
Having never previously had to deal with friction shifters, and managing with 30 year old brake pads on steel rims, Simon weathered all challenges thrown at him and remained enthusiastic at all corners of the course. While distaining to sprint ( suspected sore knees ) Simon managed to field calls from his wife and still remain right there at the finish as things really wound up.
916 pts
4. Travel
A Launceston local, Simon scored big points by also making the 2Km ride from home to the start line. He may have been hoping that we were heading for the coffee shop instead of the suburban wilds after that short jaunt - but amazingly chose to soldier on.
967 pts
Wes H - Dark Horse, Sprinting Assassin.
Aside from confusing local landmarks and missing the official start, as a late wildcard entry Wes managed to pull his old-faithful McBain's classic from under the house just in time to join the field in the neutralised section - a dark-horse move that would pay dividends in the finale.
1. Bike Selection / Budget Adherence
Another bike choice that perfectly matched the intent of the event. The sticker engineered McBains Special - neatly disguised with wheel reflectors and kick stand - proved the ultimate sleeper weapon - something of a Harry Potter's cape of invisibility ( RIP Paul Sherwen ).
1035 pts
2. Riding Outfit and Match to Bike Selection
The black helmet and 'stache should have been a give-away hint to your villanous sprinting ability Wes, but the jersey advertising your ( recent ) previous employer was way too distracting, along with your sock choice. This was a clever tactical ploy that matched ingeniously with the mildly disarming stance of your bike. Be warned, now we are onto you, and will be boxing you in for the sprint next year.
913 pts
3. The Ride
It was only on reflection that a crafty master plan of attention avoidance became obvious to LRB News! - very well played. Wes slipped into the group, and through the various sectors quietly assessed the opposition before unleashing his very effective finishing gallop. It has to be noted, however, that he was also responsible for one of the high-points of the morning, roping in a small but enthusiastic cheer squad for the event - his young family enjoying the spectacle of LRB from their own front gate !
1210 pts
4. Travel
Another local, presumably Wes rode to his starting point, though we may never really know...
842 pts
Craig H - Pedellar Deluxe, Style Master.
Craig H always manages to make it all seem so effortless, unflustered even by road-side repairs. Careful bike prep and an impeccable eye for kit selection always brings on the style. Though quiet, Craig is a keen observer of human nature, matched with a sharp wit. The occassional one-liner, delivered with impecable timing, will often prompt a chuckle many hours later.
1. Bike Selection / Budget Adherence
Check out the subtle colour coding of accessories in the image above. White cloth bar tape ( stylishly and authentically grubbied by rides' end ) blending with the frame's head tube, blurring to a lovely light blue/green through bidon and frame tubes. Only the frame pump, snaffled from the Speedvagen, missed the careful tonal integration by a Pantone shade - but proved far more effective than the puny inflator produced at the roadside by LRB News!
869 pts
2. Riding Outfit and Match to Bike Selection
Black on black is acknowledged as the traditional colour of choice for cycling kit, never showing up road grime wiped from hands onto knicks following road-side repairs. However, LRB News! suspects that much more was going on here.
It is well known that the LRB News! crew were/are heavily influenced by Breaking Away, having come through in the generation of roadies influenced by this award-winning film. Very, very nicely done. The irresistable intellectual subtley to this envy-inducing kit selection is staggering. Luckily Craig did not take it too far by playing the villain with his custom-painted bike pump, as Team Cinzano did in the film.
1292 pts
3. The Ride
Craig displayed implaccable and professional calm in the face of the only real mechanical of the event. This was notably no easy ask in the face of 9 onlookers offering some good-humoured and mostly well-intentioned advice. In the mix from start to finish, Craig cleverly got his puncture over early in the neutral zone, and then managed his tyre pressures artfully, avoiding any further mishap in spite of quite skinny rubber in the gravel.
707 pts
4. Travel
Craig also hails from Hobart town, so made a significant commitment to making the start line. Thank you, your company was really enjoyed.
1132 pts
Gav K - Mountain Man, Design Master.
Something of an enigma in this group, Gav managed to pull off the pioneering mountain man/biker perfectly, looking eerily like a cross between 7-Eleven professional Bob Roll, and mountain bike pioneer Joe breeze.
1. Bike Selection / Budget Adherence
In keeping with a theme of legendary MTB riders who were also great road riders, Gav's bike of choice nostalgically harked back to those halcyon days of John Tomac riding drop bars in 90's World Cup cross country and downhill ( ! ) races. This setup worked well, providing gearing for the hills, as well as aero break-away capability. As a ride whipped from the LRB News! Service Course the day before the grand depart, Gav wisely chose the very bike that completed pre-event reconnaisance - so he knew he was on a good thing. This very clever move nixed all anxiety over tyre choice, or even saddle height - neatly stepping onto the bike without any adjustment whatsoever. And who knew the bike could fit into a Toyota Starlet with only a front wheel removed ? Nice work.
849 pts
2. Riding Outfit and Match to Bike Selection
Another to go for classy black wool ( with contrasting colour stripes ), the choice very nicely worked in with the subdued black and silver of the Raleigh. This entry also greatly impressed LRB News! with integration of matching beard, bike and kit colour.
Now, did anyone notice Gav's helmet? As a collector piece in it's own right, and deserving of its own paragraph, the 70's lid in black toned perfectly with his ensemble, and hit right on that 70's MTB pioneer theme. Overall, Gav brought a carefully curated outfit completed with matching musette for his lunch - even though the soles of his aging shoes found the going a little too tough, parting company with each last by ride's end for a little extra ventilation.
1163 pts
3. The Ride
While pointing out local architectural landmarks on course, and in fact houses where he had spent his early years, most remarkable was Gav's return to riding after major knee surgery - choosing LRB as his very first bike ride of any kind in a couple of years !
Muscle memory and determination saw Gav through to the finish, and in some style. LRB News! was very impressed with Gav's attacking verve, choosing to put in an initial effort from the neutral zone, quickly splitting the field, and then again launching a big move near the waterfront, hoping to duck out of sight around the next corner...which he very nearly did, before we had to call him back...
842 pts
4. Travel
A local man, Gav rode to and from Riverside to the event - quite a distance to cover on top of the actual course. Anecdotally, the trip home almost finished him off, muscles starting to cry enough by the end. Maximum points for a big effort.
1146 pts
Stevie B - The Professional.
White shoes for an on/off road event. Hard to go past the sheer swaggering 'who cares' bravado in that single kit choice. It was great to see Steve's return from a sojourn in South America - another crafty professional coming to the line after some unorthodox, but likely highly enjoyable 'cross-training'. Fantastic '80's bike, untouched and complete, and right on budget. What more needs to be said ? ( before you get into too much trouble - Ed )
1. Bike Selection / Budget Adherence
Well, the National turned out to be an absolute cracker - perfectly matched to the event that is LRB. Wide tyres for the gravel, Aero section tubes for the road sectons, fascinating obsolete gear-changing mech, unsplit blue plastic caps on the AX hubs, even the bar tape looked original, and all for $150 - right on the money in every way. In fact, LRB News! wondered if the bike was actually a bit too nice for what was about to be undertaken, but it proved flawless all day as only a classic bike can.
1028 pts
2. Riding Outfit and Match to Bike Selection
White long-sleeve top, white helmet, white shoes, white socks, and white full-finger gloves matched nicely with the Japanese cycle theme. This kit selection was deceptively simple but worked very effectively to create a keirin-style look, missing only the colourful lycra helmet cover. Very nicely done.
935 pts
3. The Ride
Steve slipped easily through the morning, using all of his extensive skill and experience to make it through with minimal on-the-bike training. Truth be told, we were hoping for a little air from Steve in the dirt jump park, but acknowledge that drop bars and 2m high jumps don't always mix well...
905 pts
4. Travel
Steve rounded out the travellers from old Hobart town, making the trip up for the day, and scoring well in this section. No doubt it would have been fun to hear a few of the stories shared in the Caddy with Gav and Craig. Maybe next time.
1132 pts
Craig B - Crank Addict
1. Bike Selection / Budget Adherence
Complete with disc brakes and deep carbon rims, it was impressive that you were happy to trust your tricked-out road bike's immediate future to the LRB course designers - luckily there was a distinct and dissapointing lack of mud to deal with thanks to the scratching of the original Sector 1, and perfect weather conditions. Points have been awarded for ( ignoring the guidelines and ) creating a fright with your weapon of choice.
835 pts
2. Riding Outfit and Match to Bike Selection
Neatly colour matched to his carbon steed, Craig also rocked the professional's choice of white shoes. Crank Addict printed on jersey sleeves said it all really...
962 pts
3. The Ride
Cutting out of the group at the start of Sector 3 was forgiven knowing that you had already done 70-odd earlier in the morning, and the course was also about to turn into a block headwind. It is also highly likely that you rode further than the LRB field just to get from that point to your home...
1050 pts
4. Travel
Craig is another local who managed the longest ride to the start line by knocking off the regular 'fish shop' bunch ride before turning up to the start. Full points for this effort alone.
1153 pts
Scooter/Batman - GBH incognito
1. Bike Selection / Budget Adherence
Sightings variously claim the use of a hired electric scooter and/or recycled mountain bike. As LRB News! did not actually see you on course, nothing can be confirmed. Looking back at your earlier interview, it now becomes obvious that you were planning something devious - no saddle indeed. However, rocking a free recycled bike with slurpy in hand definately scores on the points tally - if true.
836 pts
2. Riding Outfit and Match to Bike Selection
( I guess ) We've all wanted to do it. It has to be admitted that the billowing cape ( and fake padded muscles ) have a certain allure, while remaining masked under the watchful gaze of University security cameras also seems a clever tactic. Luckily you may have been on an electric scooter for the warmer part of the morning - it must have been pretty hot in there.
899 pts
3. The Ride
Like Wes, missing the actual start of the event at Civic Square proved the ideal way to join the ride under the radar. In fact this worked so well that the LRB News! crew did not see you at any point except at the end of the neutral zone sitting in your car. This phantom approach to the event lent a vaguely mythic flavour - forever to be remembered for the periodic appearance of a caped crusader...
Catching up with you at the post-event BBQ, it became clear that you were on course for some road sections, but stymied by the gravel sectors where your chosen mount was geo-barred. While catching an Uber at various points may have pushed certain ride boundaries, in this context it is completely understood - and hey - as we know, a little skullduggery in the form of catching a ride is all a part of a good cycling story, and worth a few extra points ! The big question is, how are you going to top this next year ?
1164 pts
4. Travel
Hailing from the nearby hamlet of Hillwood, Scooter Batman scored 4th in the furthest travelled category - for an unexpected points boost.
1101 pts
That brings us to;
LRB News!
True to form the LRB News! entry came together at the very last minute, with mis-matched wheels borrowed from other bikes, and a wide range gear setup that required wide range cadence. It seems LRB News! underestimated the amount of effort required to pull together an entry. In this esteemed company, the bike truly underwhelmed. Even striking some comparison with Gav's 1x10 system, the Oxford fell woefully short with only 5 selections available.
And those knicks - whoooooo, brother.
1. Bike Selection / Budget Adherence
Never really managing to rise above its very humble Hi-Tensile origins, the Oxford actually didn't feel too bad to ride - well, so we are claiming. Maybe those heavy old plumbing pipes deadened the road shock. They certainly deadened the legs on the uphills. Luckily the ancient wide-range 5-speed block had a relatively low low-gear, and the hills were relatively short...
While the bike's provenance, and terribly scarred electric blue paintwork, completely underwhelmed, at least the hand-cut pizza plate chainring covers generated some short-lived interest, along with the butchered Simplex front mech - made into a chain keeper with some ( also hand cut ) duralium plate and pop-rivets. Though a little rough in the aesthetics department, the chain keeper did its job in the sprint, keeping chain on chainwheel in spite of some very nasty grinding sounds...
-999 pts
2. Riding Outfit and Match to Bike Selection
Well, the very threadbare red, white and green jersey at least was easy for everyone to spot on the day, particularly as nobody else actually knew where to go at any moment. But those shorts - thankfully pulled on over another pair to hide the ( very ) thin spots - yes authentically Italian and 90's, complete with sewn-on pockets - but printed denim pattern ? ( I think they are cool - Ed ). Only AG2R La Mondiale's brown shorts - even writing that is funny - are stylistically worse.
-876 pts
3. The Ride
There is a certain smug sense of serenity in knowing that nobody else in the field has any idea exactly what is coming up, or where the course is going. This was overwhelmed quickly when approaching the first of the gravel sectors. It was all cake and coffee until the thought set in - please don't fall off anyone. Of course, no-one did due to superior reflexes and bike handling skills.
While an on-the-fly inclusion of the dirt jump park made for some spontaneous and unexpected smiles, subsequently getting disoriented and losing the Heritage Forest exit point was not a high-point in navigational history. Nevertheless, a little leading from the front, a little shephearding at the rear, a little vocal direction kept the group as a group for most of the time.
-938 pts
4. Travel
Although the LRB News! service course is also Launceston based, shamefully it would have to be admitted that the team Subaru was employed to get into town for the start. In our defence, at least the wagon was able to swallow both the LRB News! entry and Darren's cycle to get us home via the bottle shop ( Thank you Darren - Ed ) in time to stoke the post-event BBQ...
-1187 pts
Points Total Review
Given the in-depth analysis above, the following table paints a picture of how the points have fallen.
Gav H 872 + 1003 + 993 + 1132 = 4000 ! pts
Darren B 989 + 795 + 885 + 1331 = 4000 ! pts
Simon P 1035 + 1083 + 916 + 967 = 4000 ! pts
Wes H 1035 + 913 + 1210 + 842 = 4000 ! pts
Craig H 869 + 1292 + 707 + 1132 = 4000 ! pts
Gav K 849 + 1163 + 842 + 1146 = 4000 ! pts
Craig B 835 + 962 + 1050 + 1153 = 4000 ! pts
Steve B 1028 + 935 + 905 + 1132 = 4000 ! pts
Ben G 836 + 899 + 1164 + 1101 = 4000 ! pts
LRB News! -999 - 876 - 938 - 1187 = -4000 ! pts
Oh dear !
As L'enfer du Nord is an entirely new event, is is difficult to use words like unprecedented. Maybe...unforeseen ? It seems gentlemen, that we have a tie-breaker situation on our hands.
You may well imagine the absolute turmoil that this strange situation has created.
You may also believe that there have been many ( many ) a sleepless, soul-searching night reviewing the scores and looking at them again from every angle in order to find an answer.
The LRB News! team have thought long and hard, replayed in our minds the high and higher-lights of the morning over and over, and agree that overall, the most memorable recurring image of the day is of Simon in his tradie vest, with his knees up around his ears, finally cottoning on to his gear slipping problem...
And so, it is with great pleasure that LRB News! can award an additional 'Spirit of LRB' bonus of 10 points - to make an overall winning score for Simon P of 4010 points !
Congratulations Simon - you are hearby crowned 2022 King of LRB !
( Your trophy will be hand delivered to you at some point in the slightly indistinct future).
Now, we understand that some of you will be somewhat dissapointed by what is a well deserved and historic win for Simon. Do not loose the faith friends. Every dog has his day. LRB will be back in 2023 ! Possibly not bigger and/or better, but at the very least with another fantastic course - carefully designed for a memorable morning of riding, followed by another startling post-ride feed - and yes, an all new hand-crafted LRB trophy...
Now, while you are all dreaming of the next LRB, stay tuned as some terrific upcoming rides are soon to be announced. Dates are being considered for an upcoming 7 Mile Beach Classic, and an inaugural Kebab Kermesse, and we hear rumours of a Kangaroobaix event in the planning...
So much to look forward to !
LRB News! would like to thank all riders again for their company on the day. Without you LRB would have been nothing to write endlessly about.
'Til next time...
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